Reflections
by Pandora of Ithilien
Summary: Series of ficlets where various TP characters reflect on various aspects of their lives. Will include both Tortall and Circle of MagicCircle Opens characters.
1. Tris: The Meaning of Family

Disclaimer: Not mine, plain and simple.

_Tris: The Meaning of Family_

They gave me up. I didn't mean to cause such trouble, and they should have known that. Maybe they did, but didn't care. It doesn't really matter, though, does it? Not anymore. The Chandlers aren't my family, not really. My_ real_ family is very different from any merchant clan.

When I think about family, the first face that comes to my mind is that of a blue-eyed, small-nosed girl who always stands up for those she cares about. She was the one willing to try to bring three very different people into her heart. She tried to make us all friends long before she spun our magics into one. She's my sister, even though she's a noble, and her name is Sandry.

Next in my mind is an image of scarlet clothes and a wooden staff, of a tall girl with dark

brown skin. We hated each other on sight, she an outcast Trader and I an abandoned merchant girl. But I grew to respect her, and then like her. She's the quiet one of our little group, the metalmage with fire in her heart. And although we seem so different, really, my sister Daja and I are so alike.

My thoughts travel on, catching on an image of gray-green eyes and moving vine tattoos. Here I find a small tree called a shakkan, filled with ancient magic. Also, I hear the noise of the streets and the sound of a hidden knife being drawn. We watched clouds grow together once, and that memory is one of my best. His eyes are filled with the essence of mischief, with tricks and pranks, but that's to be expected from my brother Briar.

I see two very different women next, one tall and willowy, one short and stocky. They are so different. One is gentle, the other sharp. But who knows what they sacrificed to watch over young mages who didn't even know what they could do? I and my sisters and brother know they care about us in their own way, our foster mothers Lark and Rosethorn.

And then there's a tall mage with salt-and-pepper hair and deep black eyes. He sees so much more than what you'd expect even from a mage. He brought us all to Winding Circle, gave us all hope. He showed me how to control the forces my magic called to. I'll always be grateful to my teacher who did so much more than he needed to. Thank you, Niko.

After him comes a little girl who reminds me of me. Orphaned twice by a callous killer, she was all alone in the world. I knew what that was like, so I stepped in. I wasn't old enough to be a mother, but I could help this little girl for now. I didn't expect to get so attached. I never thought I'd care so much about the young girl named Glaki.

Last of all comes someone I'd never expect. We certainly got off on the wrong foot when he accidentally created Chime. But we learned to live with each other and eventually became friends. Then not so long ago, things changed. He kissed me, and I kissed him back. Now, two years later, we're getting married. I can't believe it's tomorrow. But I'm not worried. I know I'll be happy in my new life with Keth.

I look back now at the people who make up my unusual family and smile. This is my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.


	2. Jon: The Nature of Ordeals

Disclaimer: Jon and any other TP characters are not mine, but I can borrow them, right?

_Jon - The Nature Of Ordeals: _Most people assume that my first ordeal was in that damned Chamber when I became a knight. But it wasn't. My first ordeal occurred just a short time before that, when I and the page I then knew as Alan went to the Black City and faced the Ysandir. During that fight, so much happened. I discovered that 'Alan' was a girl called Alanna, and I knew how it felt to be pushed beyond your limits or strength, and yet survive because the gods helped you. I have felt the divine hand on me, and it is intoxicating and terrifying.

The Chamber of the Ordeal was no picnic either. I'm sworn never to tell what I saw, and I try not even to remember it, but... My worst fears. My most horrifying nightmares. The worst part? Some came true later. Some still haunt me, and I fear that they too, will become reality.

Becoming the Voice of the Tribes. The most rewarding of all my trials, because it allows me an escape. A time to breathe, to be someone else. But when it first happened... being all the Bazhir at once, being anyone but me, was the most frightening experience of my entire life. I could never do it again, or so I thought. But I would have to.

I won't talk about the Ordeal of Kings. It was a repeat of my Ordeal of Knighthood, only shorter. No, I'll go straight to my coronation. Roger had caused an earthquake, and I used the Dominion Jewel to stop it. I was everything. Every person, animal, plant, every stone. It was even worse than the Ordeal of the Voice, and yet so similar that it wasn't as frightening. That, or I was too absorbed in what I was doing to feel the fear. I managed, but I think I aged about ten years doing so.

And yet, none of my ordeals has hurt me emotionally as much as this one. Tonight, I sit in my study, my pen poised to sign a piece of paper. A paper to sign away a life. Not mine, but my daughter's. Kalasin. My little Kally. But she's not little anymore, she is a grown woman, and when I told her I would have to do this, she agreed calmly, obeying her duty. But inside, how does she feel? I crushed her dreams of being the first princess knight, and now I'm forcing her to leave her homeland. Thayet isn't here; she's with the Riders, but she agreed to a political marriage for Kally already, understanding the need. She'll be furious that I actually arranged the thing without her, though. But this man is a good one, I hope. People I trust speak quite highly of him. Daine, who spent the most time with him while in his country, says he shares in his land's beliefs, some of which bother us here in Tortall, but has a good heart. He had better. Because even though I'm agreeing to this, if Emperor Kaddar is cruel to my daughter, I'll kill him, diplomacy be damned.

So I sign the paper. And I walk outside, letting the cool wind comfort me. Why was this the hardest ordeal of my life? My only answer is that the nature of ordeals is not how terrifying they may be, but how much they hurt where it counts; your heart.

A/N: Wow. I think I may have gotten a few sympathy votes for Jon. Am I happy or sad about that? Jon is my love/hate character. He's good in Alanna books 1,2, and 4, and in the Daine books, but in WWRLAM and the Kel books, especially the first one, I really hate him! What can I say?


	3. Aly: Freedom Is More Than A Word

Disclaimer: Aly isn't mine, I am merely borrowing her.

_Aly - Freedom Isn't Just A Word: _Freedom. It's a word that I've always liked. The connotations always seemed to match me perfectly. I was the wild child, the free-spirited one of my family. I was the one who was always playing pranks, always laughing, never taking anything seriously. I thought I was free, but I wasn't. I was simply drifting, without a meaning or purpose.

Then I decided to go for a sail to Port Legann. That was when the pirates got me, but somehow I think they would never have been there if it hadn't been for Kyprioth. He's my patron god, and my Da's too, once. He wagered me that I couldn't keep four noble children alive for a summer. Of course, it was the older two he cared about... and besides that, he wanted to draw me into his 'great trick.'

That trick was revolution. The raka of the Copper Isles were sick of being downtrodden by the white, or luarin, invaders. Kyprioth, their god, wanted his Isles back from Mithros and the Goddess. So they plotted and planned, waiting for the promised queen, the girl who would be royal through both the luarin and raka lines. They needed her, and they needed the four attendants in the prophecy; the strong one, the warrior, the wise one, and the cunning one. That last was me. The daughter of one of Tortall's spymasters and its' king's Champion, I got myself caught up in the raka and their fight for freedom.

Sarai. Dove. Sarai was the one everyone thought was to be queen, but it could never work out like that. She was too hot-headed, too fiery. She ran away, for love and her own type of freedom, and it was up to Dove to prove she had what was needed. And she did. There was war in the streets of Rajmuat. We lost many that we would mourn, but we won. And that was when I began to learn what freedom meant.

But only now do I truly see, staring up at the ceiling in a darkened bedroom. Nawat is lying next to me; he is as human as I am, yet once he was a crow. I love him and he loves me, and that is freedom in its entirety. To be with someone and to be able to truly be yourself, no strings attached. Love and freedom are inseparable. One cannot exist without the other. And so now I see that freedom, with all its connotations, is far more than a word. It's an all encompassing feeling, a burning desire. People are willing to die to achieve it; love can bring it in ways you would never see. The dream of it, the ideal it seems to be, fills our minds and our hearts. The need of it runs in our blood. It is what makes live and breathe, it is why we continue to exist. We are made to be free, to fly in our hearts if not in reality, and there is simply no other way to say it.

A/N: Whoa. I'm not exactly sure where this went. I think I like it, but I certainly wasn't planning it.


	4. Daja: Kissing the Wrong People

Disclaimer: Daja isn't mine, I am merely borrowing her.

_Daja - Kissing the Wrong People:_ I was born a Trader. Unlike the _kaqs_, we don't shun those women who love other women, or the men who love other men, or even those people who can love both men and women. And yet I spent years thinking I was cold, because the kisses, the touches, that I shared with boys just seemed... wrong. Despite the openness in which I had been raised, despite the relationship I had seen between my foster-mothers, Lark and Rosethorn, I never considered the idea that it wasn't me, but the people I was kissing that made it wrong.

Then I went to Namorn with my foster-siblings. I didn't mind; I had liked Namorn last time, and I had some curiosity about the imperial court I'd heard so much about. I was not expecting to find something I had thought I couldn't have; love.

I met Rizu. I didn't understand the effect she had on me at first, until she kissed me for the first time. It felt as though the sun had come to life inside me. Everything was clear. Rizu showed me what love was, what it could be. Despite how things ended with us, my sister Tris made a good point. Rizu showed me that I deserved love; more, she showed me that I _could_ love. I'll always be grateful to her for that.

I have had to get used to scorn, though. There are those who see my feelings as wrong, who think I am immoral. But then, those are the same people who think that mages in general have no morals, so I don't mind. Still... I have found myself in the situation of being attracted to women who aren't like me, and it has led to embarrassment and pain. I can live with it, though.

I wonder sometimes how my lost family would have reacted to my being a _nisamohi_. I think they would not have minded; as I have said, Traders are more open-minded than many of those who are not. My mother might have lamented that I would never have my own family, my own children; as I get older, I occasionally regret this myself. But if I choose to become a mother, I need not bear a child myself; there are orphans that I could adopt if I wanted to. And the family I have now, the family I found, accepts me and treats me just as they did before. So it doesn't matter, really. I am who and what I am, and that's that. I'm just glad that I know myself, glad that I've stopped kissing the wrong people.

A/N: That, my friends, is the closest I will ever get to writing slash. No offense; my mind just doesn't work towards that kind of romance.(I'm no homophobe, I say love is love. I simply don't read much of it, especially when it's not canon. I don't read sex scenes even if they're heterosexual. I just don't like it.) Daja's always been one of my favorite characters, and I wanted to write something on her. I think she came to grips with her Trader past and her current life long ago, so that was out. I was surprised when I found out she was a lesbian in Will of the Empress (I was even more shocked about Lark and Rosethorn; looks like those shippers were right after all...) but I thought it was an interesting thing for Tamora Pierce to do, and a good angle for a self-reflection, which is the whole idea behind this series. I hope you liked it. Next up is likely to be Alanna or Briar, unless I get a different inspiration, which is entirely possible with me. ;) Sorry about the long A/N!


	5. Beka: A Terrier's Duty

Disclaimer: Beka isn't mine, I am merely borrowing her.

**_Beka - A Terrier's Duty:_** I'm laying on my bed, thinking about today, and I'm still upset. I can't believe Mistress Noll, of all people was the Shadow Snake! I knew her all my life, trusted her. But it just goes to show that you really don't know others, no matter how long you've known them.

But if I'm being honest, that isn't what really has me so upset. I think back on the night when I realized that even my Dogs weren't perfect, that I held them up to impossible ideals. I vowed the Happy Bags'd never be enough for me, and I stand by that vow. I come from the Lower City; I know the people. They don't have anyone to fight for 'em, not really. Someone's got to. That's why I don't much mind that Rosto took over as Rogue. Sure, it means thieves won't be so easy to catch, but he'll look after his people, and that's what matters.

Dogs have a job to do, keeping this city as safe as possible, but how many of them actually care? I don't think too many do, especially in the Lower City. They just want their pay and the extras from the Happy Bags. Tunstall and Goodwin care, at least, but they don't _know_ what it's like here. I do. I'm from here, whether I've spent the past eight years in my Lord Provost's house or not. I understand the people I'm protecting, and even the people I have to hobble and bring to the kennels.

They're calling me Terrier now. I don't like it, but I doubt I'll lose the name anytime soon. So I'm going to make it mean something. Years from now, when I'm dead and gone, people will remember me. They'll say, "That Cooper girl, that Terrier, she had her duty, she did. To us, the Lower City folk. And she never forgot it, or failed to live up to it." They'll say that, because it'll be true. I'll always be here to protect these people, my people, before anything else. No matter what it means.

A/N: Yes, I know, it's not Alanna or Briar. I warned you that I might do someone else if inspiration struck. Anyway, as my friend has my copy of _Terrier_ right now, I couldn't copy Beka's style of speech, so forgive me for that. R&R!


	6. PounceFaithful: Warriors and Thieves

Disclaimer: Pounce/Faithful is not mine. The cameo OCs, Chiyo and Rania, are mine, but I don't care if someone wanted to take them. Actually, if you do, I'd want to read the story, so let me know.

_**Pounce/Faithful: Warrior Women and Thief Kings:**_ I've been the guide and companion of many girls over the years, but no two have ever been quite like Beka Cooper and Alanna of Trebond. Beka's fierce loyalty to the people no one else bothered with, Alanna's natural defiance of tradition to become what she wanted to be, both of them changed the world around them without even trying. They would have understood each other, I think, but then, I could be wrong. There is one thing they have in common, though, that cannot be denied.

I still remember when Kora, Aniki, and Rosto moved in. I knew they'd be good for my Beka, or at least, the women would. I suspected that Rosto would be trouble. He was interested in Beka from the start and didn't make a secret of it. She, of course, would have none of it. But she liked him too, and all that kept her from admitting it was the memory of what a rusher did to her mother and the fact that a Dog sleeping with a rogue destined to rise was not smart. But stubbornness and logic pale next to emotion in humans, and Beka was no exception. The Terrier and the Rogue were a couple for years. They avoided their careers tangling when possible; the Watch Sergeant wasn't foolish enough to make Beka collect the Happy Bags from the tavern where she'd once lived, where the Court of the Rogue had taken over, and Rosto made sure to never be caught by anyone, much less his lover. They managed, until Rosto was killed by a rival who got lucky. Beka was never the same, though few really knew it, and her little boy grew up without a father.

Then came Alanna. Oh, there was a girl between them, the Yamani Chiyo Nakiru, and I don't discount her. Chiyo was a different kind of girl than they were, though. But Alanna... I hadn't dealt with Tortall since I left Beka, and Alanna sometimes reminded me of her. Still, I almost immediately loved the redhead with eyes as brightly purple as my own for herself, just as I always come to love my charges. Then she took me to the tavern called the Dancing Dove, to meet her friend George. I knew where we were immediately, though the name had changed. Beka's old boardinghouse, the headquarters of Rosto's court. It had never happened before, that one charge made me confront the ghosts of another.

I still didn't expect George to be who he was. I'd heard that his name was Cooper that first night with Alanna, when she spoke to the Goddess, but for some reason, my mind didn't make the connection. When I saw him, it did. He had the catlike grace and air of mischief that Rosto had, and his loyalty to the Rogue and his duties was Beka through and through. I caught him eyeing me once or twice, and I wondered if he knew me as Beka's cat, through some family story. But if he did, he kept it to himself. I saw both of them in him, and wondered how such personality traits could come down the generations and still be recognizable.

Alanna's stubbornness when it came to love crumbled first for Jonathan. I supported it, because they both needed it, but I would have supported George, had she turned to him first. I saw the end coming before it did, even though I scolded Alanna for it later. I couldn't have her knowing just how perceptive I am, could I? And I saw George too, and I knew, even when Alanna had her affair with Liam Ironarm, who would have her heart in the end. Another thief king, stealing the heart of another warrior woman.

It's never happened, that two of my charges have any kind of connection. And yet, now, things are even more intertwined. Because my latest charge, Rania Haiming Balitang, is the great-granddaughter of Alanna and George, the eight-times great-granddaughter of Beka and Rosto. Like most women of the raka – especially their queens, as Raina will one day be – she is a warrior. She's dark, like the raka, but her eyes are bright violet and she hears the voices of the dead when pigeons fly near her. She is yet another ghost, but I actually look forward to being her guide. I wonder if she too will have her heart stolen by a daring thief king.

A/N: OK, this isn't really an introspection, I know, but I thought it was likely that our favorite WC (short for Wandering Constellation) would muse on his past charges when he's about to take a new one, particularly if there's a connection. Plus, this thing's been playing in my head for a while, so I had to write it, didn't I?


	7. Alanna: Price of Glory

Disclaimer: Alanna isn't mine, I am merely borrowing her.

_**Alanna - Price of Glory:**_ I spent my childhood dreaming of heroic deeds, of the glory that warriors know. I knew I wanted it, and swore that somehow I'd get it. So I switched places with my brother, and I went to the palace as a young boy called Alan. For eight years I hid who I was from everyone, except for Jon and George - not that I planned on telling them, but the way things happened, I had no choice in the matter.

But when I fought Duke Roger, my identity was revealed to all, and I left Court, running from the outcome of my duel, but knowing also that if I hadn't left on my own, King Roald would have found some way to tuck me away in some corner where no one saw me. I spent my time with the Bazhir, becoming the first female shaman and helping Ali Mukhtab survive long enough to make Jonathan the Voice of the Tribes. I lost one love in the desert and found another, one I'd had all along but had ignored. My time with the Bloody Hawk led me to the Dominion Jewel map.

I traveled, as I'd always dreamed. I met Liam on the road; I'm not sure, even now, exactly what he was to me. I know I cared for him, but in a way both similar top and different from the love I felt for Jonathan, or the again different love for George. I fought a being as old as the world itself, and even played amateur matchmaker for my first love, Jonathan, and my companion and new friend Thayet.

For years, I've been the King's Champion, the famed Lioness, with the Goddess' hand on me. I've achieved the glory I always dreamed of. But war isn't glory. It's messy and painful, and sickening. What we humans do to each other is horrific, if you stop to think about it. I never knew that. But more, I never knew that glory has a price. Not long ago, I stood in a tent, reeling from Jonathan's telling me that Aly, my only daughter, my youngest by a few minutes, was missing. I couldn't find her by magic, and I couldn't go looking. I'm too visible. Never will I be able to go anywhere unknown.

This is the price of glory. It's leaving my family behind when all I want is to cleave to them, because I've sworn to do my duty and I won't go back on my word. It's being helpless when what is required is a quiet maneuver, because I draw attention. It's looking at my pregnant daughter next to me and realizing I never really knew her, and now she's grown up and grown away. My eldest son is following in the footsteps of an uncle he was named for but never knew, and the little boy who gave me a mirror with painted flowers is lost in the scholar he's become. And Alan is a squire, older than most, but driven by something I recognize, a desire to prove himself worthy. I see sometimes the way he watches a young woman with black hair and blue eyes, a girl named for the Queen I knew in my years of training, a young princess who may or may not be beyond him, and I wonder if history always repeats itself. I look at my husband and wish we spent more time together and wonder how either of us stands it. I know he worries about me when I do my duty as Champion, but I worry about him, when he goes into the field as the Whisper Man. Is this all glory brings? The loss of your children before you know them, fear for the ones you love? I don't know, but I wonder what the girl I was would have done had she known that the glory she yearned for came with such a high price.

A/N: Well, I did get to Alanna, I said I would. Not sure how I feel about this one, because she might be OOC. But I think stuff like this is sometimes out of usual character, because it's inner thoughts. So maybe it's OK. R&R!


	8. Kalasin:Duty, Dreams, and Love

Disclaimer: Kalasin isn't mine, I am merely borrowing her.

_**Kalasin - Dreams, Duty, and Love:**_ When I was little, I dreamed of being a knight. Aunt Alanna was my hero; I wanted to be just like her. My mother too was a fighter, and my sister Vania has always talked of being a Rider. I doubt anyone will allow the youngest princess to do that, though. I certainly wasn't allowed to reach my dreams. I would never be the first known girl page. That distinction would go to Keladry of Mindelan. Not that I have any dislike for her; Roald says she worked the hardest of all of them to prove herself worthy, and I know she deserved the honor. But I would have done all she did, I'm sure. I just never got the chance.

My parents had discussed how my siblings and I would need to marry for the good of the kingdom. Roald was betrothed to a Yamani princess, first Chisakami, and then Shinkokami when the former was was killed in an earthquake. My parents discussed marriage choices for me, but then, my father made a decision that stunned me. It had been suggested by Emperor Ozorne that I marry his heir, Kaddar, when he knew my parents wouldn't agree. But apparently, either Emperor Kaddar or my father realized that a marriage alliance between our countries might be useful after all. Papa suggested it to me, and told me I would have a say. I had other choices; the Gallan king's eldest son, the younger brother of the king of Tusaine, and the king of Maren. But when I looked at my options... the Marenite king had already had several wives, and none of them ended well. He'd had one executed and had exiled another; one had died of an illness. Few would care to be his fourth queen with that record. I didn't think Papa wanted me to even consider him, but he had put himself forward, and I'd asked to know all my options. The Tusaine boy was half my age, and the Gallan Crown Prince... It came down to whether we needed the Tortall/Galla or Tortall/Carthak contract more. We have a history of good relations with Galla, but not with Carthak. We needed a connection with Carthak; I needed to step forward and make it.

I told Papa and he concluded the negotiations with Carthak. When Mama came home, she was furious that he'd done so without consulting her. They slept in separate rooms for a while. But I told Mama that it had been my choice in the end. I knew my duty as a princess, and I would do right by my people. I would help protect them, even if it was through a good marriage, rather than fighting for them as a lady knight.

I went to Carthak, to Kaddar, with Daine's words of praise for my new husband, with my siblings' promises of letters and visits, with my parents' love, and my own sense of duty. I found myself in a country so strange, so unlike my own, that I had no idea what to do. Even all the studying I had done, to prepare myself for this glittering, fancy world, wasn't enough. I felt so lost, so alone, but I had to hide it. A princess cannot show weakness; this is even more true of an empress. So I became a woman of stone, carved of marble, with sapphires for eyes.

But what I didn't see was that someone noticed what I was doing. My husband and I had barely spoken except when necessary, but he saw the changes in me. He reached out, to keep me human, and we came to know each other better. I learned that he loved gardening, and he wanted to do right by his people, just like me. He understood my dream of knighthood; he had always intended to be a scholar-mage, but after the death of his uncle's first heir, he was given that place. Neither of us had intended to rule, but now we would have to do so together. It became easier, and I soon found a friend in Sarai Balitang Hetnim, sister to the young Queen Dovasary of the Copper Isles and wife to Kaddar's cousin and healer Zaimid. I envied them their obvious love, until the evening when Kaddar and I walked in his rose garden, and he kissed me. There was no reason for it here, we were alone, and not in the bedroom. I realized then that I had found love of my own, in the marriage I made for duty.

Sometimes I wish I could have been a knight, but I'm not sorry things turned out as they did. I've found happiness with the one person I would never have expected to, and though I still dream, I have love, and I have my duty. This is all I need.

A/N: Well? R&R!


End file.
